Endings.....

Things are always ending here in my world.  The day, night time (with no sleep in sight), my favourite tv show, my iphone battery, the block of Cadbury Coconut Rough chocolate, the Bundy bottle, the vodka, the wine..... and my periods of good health- Perhaps due to the ending of the latter 3 items?? :D 

I'm on a downward spiral.  Bugger. My stupid, too small head, & too big brain have begun to bother me again.  Not on a daily basis, just bi or tri weekly.  This means i get four great days each week!!! And i love those days and am eternally grateful for them.  But, this means the bad head days feel worse than they should.  Sort of like breaking your arm - you don't appreciate it til you can't use it, and then you stress about everything you are missing.  Never mind that you've not once used the weights at the gym. Now you can't, you  desperately need to!
So, the days i have a headache i become extremely frustrated, because i cannot go abseiling & rock climbing on such a beautiful day; i cannot go for a skydive or base jump; i cannot raise my head from the pillow.  Never mind that i haven't abseiled or rock climbed for almost 20 years, or have yet to do my first solo skydive.  The point is that today could have been the day i did those things. And raising my head from the pillow is a challenge every day, especially if it's prior to midday, and even more difficult if Ellen isn't on the tv! But today..... the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and i really want to get up and enjoy the gorgeous day that is. I feel guilty for staying glued to my bed.  Any other day i could care less.....

Yes my head hurts.  But that's just an irritation.  Its the limitations it places upon me, however unrealistic my expectations might be, that bother me more. So i while away the time waiting for that much longed for return of my healthy days by tweeting, facebooking and not blogging!

Today i decided i needed a mind shift.  So instead of looking at life as a bunch of endings of good things, i need to think of the endings as beginnings, and i need to look for the positives in these new beginnings.  Stretched my brain cells a lot when trying to find the positives in an empty vodka bottle, but i did.  There are many more vodkas i have yet to get to know!!! Bring it on!!  And the positives in a bed bound, headachey day - its a day for recharging the batteries.  Mine and my iphone :p

So, the next time i awake with a headache, after firstly celebrating the fact i slept with a vodka or two, I'll accept my day under the covers with good grace.  I'll dream about floating in zero gravity on my first space mission, knowing that it is what it is - something i need to do on a headache free day!! Yes i have some "unattainable" or "unrealistic" goals, but who's to say i wont do these things one day?? After all, tomorrow i am going to leave the house.  That was unrealistic 2 months ago, before my remission :))

Running... & Jumping...

We all run. Either figuratively or literally. We run from situations that scare us, intimidate, hurt, upset, make us uncomfortable AND from situations that could make us deliriously happy. I know I do. Not as much as I use to, but it's still instinctive to "run & hide" whenever I encounter a difficult situation.

I have always said "I don't run unless I'm chased. Or there's a million dollars to be had." I hate running in a physical sense. Hot, sweaty, pounding heart, pounding footsteps. For what? To get somewhere fast, to gain fitness? I can get all these hot, sweaty feelings from looking at a spider crawl across my ceiling, knowing its out of reach and i'll never sleep til i catch it!!

When physically running, you miss out on so much. You are too busy listening to your heart trying to escape from your chest, concentrating on breathing, counting the miles/kilometres, hurrying, rushing. The scenery flashes past, thoughts are dismissed. Similarly, the same happens when we run from situations in our life we want to avoid. We miss so much. We hide away and close ourselves off to what is happening around us.

The "fight or flight" response is inherent in us all.  There is a massive rush of adrenalin that is released as soon as we encounter anything frightening, or exciting.  We can either use this adrenalin to remove us from the situation, by running as far away as possible for example, or in a less physical sense, to avoid the situation in an emotional way by withdrawing.  Or we can use it to stay and fight, both physically and emotionally.  A couple of years ago, I decided to stop "running" and start taking in my surroundings, facing up to situations, to stop being fearful and worrisome, to use the adrenalin rush to my advantage.  I decided to jump into life with both feet and to see where it would take me!! So what was the first thing i did??

I jumped out  of a plane!!! 

And i enjoyed it so much i enrolled in Skydive School! I'm yet to do a solo jump, but i will.  I can't wait!!!

I still "run & hide" from life at times, especially when my IIH erupts, but i only have to remember the feeling of exhiliration i had when freefalling and i know i can face most things.  If remembering doesn't work then i look at the DVD of my jump and listen to myself screaming and squealing......... with excitement and sheer joy, mixed with a tiny bit of fear!!! Then i know i'm gonna be fine!

A real man...

A real man is a woman’s best friend.

He will never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to live without fear and forget regret.

He will make sure she always feels as though she is the most beautiful woman in the room.

No wait, sorry. I’m thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all that….never mind.

I forgot to mention....

.... I'm headache free!! I'm officially (according to me) in remission!!!! YAY!! The massive pressure headache has gone! It's so hard to explain how absolutely amazing it feels to NOT have a headache. In fact, it's slightly disconcerting. Sort of like having a part of yourself missing. I'm so used to having a headache that when I awoke to find it gone it took me a minute or two to wonder what was wrong with me!!  It's been three weeks now and LIFE IS FANTASTIC!!! I'm the luckiest person alive :))

Not sure how long it will last - last time was 5 months..... I'm not gonna worry, just ENJOY LIFE!  Isn't this fantastic news???

The woman who put the shizzle in the b'zizzle!!

Today I'm gonna talk about Kate. Those who know me should know who I'm talking about!! Kate Walsh. I ADMIRE her, but for some (Deli) my admiration appears to border on OBSESSION!!! I don't agree. I think she's gorgeous and funny and has a great outlook on life. I could see us being great friends. Obsession would mean I'd google her daily, watch endless YouTube vids,track down and watch over and over again any movie or vid she's been in, watch her tv shows relentlessly until I know every little nuance about her characters, I'd troll the Internet for pics and tabloid stories, I'd discuss her with other fans on forums, twitter, facebook, I'd collect pictures and pore over them, I'd have dreams of meeting her one day, I'd know her fav colour, food, her animals names, her fav sayings like "WORD!" and "Bad Ass Mother Fucker!" OH SHIZ!!! No no no! Its okay. Obsession would also require me to have given up my job and have all day to surf the net and chat about her and stalk her Twitter page Yes! It's okay! I have a job.  I'm just on leave. Pheeeeew thought I had a problem there for a moment! :))

Here are a couple of pics i happen to have...

No! No problem here.

I hate liars. Cheats and liars. Dishonest people. Hate is a strong word but it's how I feel. Dislike, detest just don't cut it. I don't hate many things, but lying is my pet peeve. We all do it. Every day. A white lie here and there might seem harmless and is almost an expected and accepted part of life. But where is the line drawn? When does a white lie become something more poisonous? What is a White lie anyway? How do we define that? Why do we feel we have to lie? When is it appropriate? Is lying ever acceptable?

I don't have the answers... I just know I hate lying. I hate it when I feel I have to lie. I hate it when others lie. I hate being implicated in a lie.

I appreciate my health.... and my intelligence

Spent the past 13 days in hospital, as most would be aware by now.  I'm home and i'm happy to be here.  Spending time with a lot of very ill people has made me appreciate my health.  Me healthy? Well compared to many other people i am bursting with good health!!  I have been surrounded by some very ill people. Mainly patients on dialysis for kidney failure, awaiting transplants that they know will most likely not happen.  90% of the dialysis patients will not be eligible for a kidney due to other health complications, age, or suprisingly because they REFUSE to make lifestyle changes that would benefit their health.

 I can't believe this. Why would someone choose to continue to keep themselves unwell?  Why would a 43yo mother of 3 choose to eat chips, chocolate, and pizza (delivered to her hospital bed) and drink copious amounts of coke on an almost daily basis, having been diagnosed with diabetes 12 months ago?  Not type 1 diabetes but type 2 - ie controlled by diet and exercise.  Why would this same person, when informed 7 months later that their diabetes had now progressed to type 1 due to their refusal to change their eating habits, again knock back any help with diet and exercise?  Why would this person again refuse assistance upon being told 2 months later that their kidneys were failing and that dialysis would now be required until they decided to take some action, or they died?  And last week, when the person was advised that they were to be discharged as an inpatient, unless they agreed to undertake a fully supported, holistic program to assist the return to better health, why did this person refuse to leave the hospital, when they again refused help???  Why?? I found out why...... and i cannot believe the stupidity. 

Here's a brief summary of the answer i received after asking  my roommate for her reasons for not undertaking the programs offered:

i like to eat what i want and when i want. 

No one tells me what i can and can't do.

I can't afford to eat the crap they want me to eat.

My kids wont eat fruit and vegetables.  I'm not making different meals for me.

I'm too sick to cook food like that.  Takeaway is easier. and cheaper.

I can't do the walking as my back hurts.

I'm not givin' up my smokes or my nights on the piss (drinks a bottle of bourbon a week)

BUT this person expected to be reviewed for the transplant list.  When advised that she did not meet the criteria, could not understand why .....

"if you bastards give me a new fucking kidney and pancreas then i'd be better and none of that crap you tell me i can't do would fucking matter"

"so u think my kids don't deserve a mum?"

"who gives you the right to say who deserves a kidney more?"

No matter how many times she was told that the transplant wouldn't work unless it had a healthy body to work with, she still refused to change her lifestyle.  She left the hospital escorted by security as she refused to be discharged.  She was drinking Coke and eating a tube of Pringles as she was loaded into a wheelchair by 4 security personnel.  She weighed 155kgs.  She wished me well on the way past and offered me a Pringle.....

The next person to take her bed was a transplant recipient.  12 years previously he'd undergone a kidney and pancreas transplant.  He would be dead if he had not received these gifts.  He was doing well and at only 41 had many years left ahead to enjoy living.  My 43 yo DUMBASS roomie will be dead in 5 years, if not sooner.  And whats the bet she asks for help when she's dying from toxicity???? 

This may be harsh but the world is full of ABSOLUTE MORONS like this person.  The hospital ward was full of them.... taking up space in our health system, using resources that could better help someone who is willing to take responsibility for their health and take action to improve it.  It made me angry.  It made me sad........

So i return home grateful for my intelligence and hence, for my health. 

Ohh and my headache is now back to normal!!