Endings.....

Things are always ending here in my world.  The day, night time (with no sleep in sight), my favourite tv show, my iphone battery, the block of Cadbury Coconut Rough chocolate, the Bundy bottle, the vodka, the wine..... and my periods of good health- Perhaps due to the ending of the latter 3 items?? :D 

I'm on a downward spiral.  Bugger. My stupid, too small head, & too big brain have begun to bother me again.  Not on a daily basis, just bi or tri weekly.  This means i get four great days each week!!! And i love those days and am eternally grateful for them.  But, this means the bad head days feel worse than they should.  Sort of like breaking your arm - you don't appreciate it til you can't use it, and then you stress about everything you are missing.  Never mind that you've not once used the weights at the gym. Now you can't, you  desperately need to!
So, the days i have a headache i become extremely frustrated, because i cannot go abseiling & rock climbing on such a beautiful day; i cannot go for a skydive or base jump; i cannot raise my head from the pillow.  Never mind that i haven't abseiled or rock climbed for almost 20 years, or have yet to do my first solo skydive.  The point is that today could have been the day i did those things. And raising my head from the pillow is a challenge every day, especially if it's prior to midday, and even more difficult if Ellen isn't on the tv! But today..... the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and i really want to get up and enjoy the gorgeous day that is. I feel guilty for staying glued to my bed.  Any other day i could care less.....

Yes my head hurts.  But that's just an irritation.  Its the limitations it places upon me, however unrealistic my expectations might be, that bother me more. So i while away the time waiting for that much longed for return of my healthy days by tweeting, facebooking and not blogging!

Today i decided i needed a mind shift.  So instead of looking at life as a bunch of endings of good things, i need to think of the endings as beginnings, and i need to look for the positives in these new beginnings.  Stretched my brain cells a lot when trying to find the positives in an empty vodka bottle, but i did.  There are many more vodkas i have yet to get to know!!! Bring it on!!  And the positives in a bed bound, headachey day - its a day for recharging the batteries.  Mine and my iphone :p

So, the next time i awake with a headache, after firstly celebrating the fact i slept with a vodka or two, I'll accept my day under the covers with good grace.  I'll dream about floating in zero gravity on my first space mission, knowing that it is what it is - something i need to do on a headache free day!! Yes i have some "unattainable" or "unrealistic" goals, but who's to say i wont do these things one day?? After all, tomorrow i am going to leave the house.  That was unrealistic 2 months ago, before my remission :))

Running... & Jumping...

We all run. Either figuratively or literally. We run from situations that scare us, intimidate, hurt, upset, make us uncomfortable AND from situations that could make us deliriously happy. I know I do. Not as much as I use to, but it's still instinctive to "run & hide" whenever I encounter a difficult situation.

I have always said "I don't run unless I'm chased. Or there's a million dollars to be had." I hate running in a physical sense. Hot, sweaty, pounding heart, pounding footsteps. For what? To get somewhere fast, to gain fitness? I can get all these hot, sweaty feelings from looking at a spider crawl across my ceiling, knowing its out of reach and i'll never sleep til i catch it!!

When physically running, you miss out on so much. You are too busy listening to your heart trying to escape from your chest, concentrating on breathing, counting the miles/kilometres, hurrying, rushing. The scenery flashes past, thoughts are dismissed. Similarly, the same happens when we run from situations in our life we want to avoid. We miss so much. We hide away and close ourselves off to what is happening around us.

The "fight or flight" response is inherent in us all.  There is a massive rush of adrenalin that is released as soon as we encounter anything frightening, or exciting.  We can either use this adrenalin to remove us from the situation, by running as far away as possible for example, or in a less physical sense, to avoid the situation in an emotional way by withdrawing.  Or we can use it to stay and fight, both physically and emotionally.  A couple of years ago, I decided to stop "running" and start taking in my surroundings, facing up to situations, to stop being fearful and worrisome, to use the adrenalin rush to my advantage.  I decided to jump into life with both feet and to see where it would take me!! So what was the first thing i did??

I jumped out  of a plane!!! 

And i enjoyed it so much i enrolled in Skydive School! I'm yet to do a solo jump, but i will.  I can't wait!!!

I still "run & hide" from life at times, especially when my IIH erupts, but i only have to remember the feeling of exhiliration i had when freefalling and i know i can face most things.  If remembering doesn't work then i look at the DVD of my jump and listen to myself screaming and squealing......... with excitement and sheer joy, mixed with a tiny bit of fear!!! Then i know i'm gonna be fine!